The One Life Lessons List to Rule Them All and in the Darkness Bind Them

I mentor some pretty spectacular high school students in the arts of Synthetic Biology, but one day they asked for life lessons in lieu of cellular biology. I’ve always imagined that if I ever become a professor, I’d love to be considered much less a lecturer and more of a mentor; therefore, it was exciting to be given this opportunity. Unfortunately, I didn’t have any life lessons ready to bestow. So I prepared, and this is what I came up with.

When I began this task, I ran into a problem. The problem was that, like any twentysomething year old with a Facebook account, I had recently been bombarded with all sorts of New Year’s“Resolution Lists” loaded with superficial platitudes that I didn’t want to influence my advice. After thinking about what I disliked about them, I came to understand that the most alarmingly terrible thing about most of these lists was that they told you too much and too literally what to do and not do:

“Stop resenting yourself for drunk texting your ex.”
“No more eating when you’re down.”
“Be a little selfish”
“If you hate your job, quit your job.”
“Stop being so shallow”
Rid yourself of enemies, rid yourself of frenemies, stop this, stop that. etcetera etcetera, barf, barf.

Okay, I even found another one that is literally just 30 things to stop doing. Happiness isn’t about stopping things. It’s about becoming so involved in the things you love that you barely even notice you’ve stopped having time for the things you never liked anyway.

The real problem with focusing on things you shouldn’t be doing, or things you should stop doing, is that it attacks your guilt complex and attempts to drive change through guilt. I think we all know when we do something stupid, so of course we will laud people for calling us out on our shit and think, “Oh, wow, you are so wise, these are all the things I’m insecure about. Thanks for compiling them into a convenient list!”

The problem is that guilt is a terrible and ineffective motivator. And what is fundamentally wrong with these life lesson and resolution lists is that they give you the answer instead of telling how to arrive at it yourself. Nothing bothers me more than when so-called “teachers” simply give their students the answer instead of letting their students arrive at the solution with guidance. I think people underestimate the importance of the proverb:

“Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day; teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime.” — Maimonides

To this I say: Give a man the solution to all his problems and he’ll be happy for a day; teach a man to solve his own problems and he’ll lead a lifetime of happiness.

Another quote I heard the other day drove this home even further:

“If you want to build a ship, don’t drum up the men to gather wood, divide the work, and give orders. Instead, teach them to yearn for the vast and endless sea.”
— Antoine de Saint-Exupéry

Contextualized: If you want to inspire people, don’t drum up virtues to collect and don’t assign them rules and restrictions, but rather teach them to long for the boundless happiness of self-actualization. All the “solutions” they list are results naturally achieved through “self-actualization” or by being wholly comfortable with yourself and at peace with our entropy-ruled chaotic universe that is yet so magnificently intertwined.

The harm of these lists is that they make solving all your problems sound so easy, so tangible. Like going to the grocery store and checking off each item. It’s not that easy. The journey to that sort of enlightenment is much harder and takes much longer than many would have you believe. It’s the result of discovery, introspection, heartbreak, failure, perseverance, and conviction, but knowing the answer doesn’t help you arrive at the solution.

So instead of giving you all the answers (not that I have them all anyway) – I think it’s better to help you locate the path on which the solutions exist. Nevertheless, few are going to want to learn to fish if they’ve never tasted perfectly flaky sea bass, and so I will also highlight the results – or what may lie at the end of these “paths”. I should note that there were two advice lists that I did generally appreciate, but they were still – in my opinion – a little too specific, so I boiled them down and came up with 9 core principles.

I’ve arranged the principles in the order they manifested in my life – building on top of eachother like a pyramid. They may arrive in really any order for you, but the truth is they all depend on each other, it’s not a pyramid, it’s more like pillars. Alas, I present – not to be confused with the 5 Pillars of Islam – the intentionally humorously-grandiose “Spencer’s 9 Pillars of Self-Actualization.” I would’ve much rather it been 7 pillars. Because it’s my favorite number and, you know, Horcruxes. But 9 is how it turned out and I’ll just have to live with that.

Pillar #1: Read. Learn. Consume.

This is essentially about exposure. Reading books (and even articles and blogs) is the easiest way to expose yourself to new ideas and to spark your curiosity. I like to think that learning is a positive feedback mechanism, the more you learn, the more questions you will have. Be curious, and you will be constantly fascinated.

Result:

Reading literary fiction (50 Shades of Grey and The Hunger Games probably don’t count) has been proven to increase your compassion by exposing you to different viewpoints and challenging your stereotypes. This will hopefully snowball into willingness to try new things and get out of your comfort zone, all great things for personal development. Eventually, you may come to understand that if you want to develop your mind – and continue developing it – you will need to maintain the rigor of its fleshy home.

“Books are the quietest and most constant of friends; they are the most accessible and wisest of counselors, and the most patient of teachers.” ― Charles William Eliot

“A great book should leave you with many experiences, and slightly exhausted at the end. You live several lives while reading.” ― William Styron

Pillar #2. Physical Health

Exercise. Drink lots of water. Get enough but not too much sun. Eat healthy. I’ll leave it up to you to research the right exercises and the right diet for you. Just remember, a healthy “diet” is not temporary, it’s a lifestyle.

Result:

You’ll get sick less, you’ll be happier, you’ll have more energy, and you’ll need less sleep. Basically, being physically healthy pretty much improves everything. At this point, I’m being a hypocrite because exercising is usually much easier said than done. The problem is that not exercising is a negative feedback – the less you exercise, the more resistant you will become to the idea of exercising. The hardest part will be breaking a habit of stagnation. If that is you, focus on the other “pillars” and hopefully this one will come later of its own accord.

“Physical fitness is not only one of the most important keys to a healthy body, it is the basis of dynamic and creative intellectual activity.” — John F. Kennedy

“Leave all the afternoon for exercise and recreation, which are as necessary as reading. I will rather say more necessary because health is worth more than learning.”
— Thomas Jefferson

“It is health that is real wealth and not pieces of gold and silver.” — Mahatma Gandhi

“When health is absent, wisdom cannot reveal itself, art cannot manifest, strength cannot fight, wealth becomes useless, and intelligence cannot be applied.”
— Herophilus

(See! Presidents, Gandhi, & Ancient Greeks Agree!)

Pillar #3: “Travel”

Like Pillar #1, this is also all about exposure to new experiences. But this time, instead of traveling in your mind via literature, experience the richness of the world with all your senses. Flying across the world is nice, but usually not feasible. What’s important is encountering new ideas and new cultures, whether that’s taking a trip to Brazil or signing up for Samba class down the street.

Result:

You will have a much greater understanding of yourself – or maybe you will have more questions about your identity. Discomfort is essentially desirable at this point. Unfortunately, traveling is not a panacea. There’s a Buddhist concept: “Wherever you go, there you are” which is more about being “present” but to me it says: you can’t get away from your problems by changing your location. If you forget to leave all your baggage behind you’ll be blind to the lessons traveling has to teach.

“The world is a book and those who do not travel read only one page.”
— Augustine of Hippo

“Travel is fatal to prejudice, bigotry, and narrow-mindedness, and many of our people need it sorely on these accounts. Broad, wholesome, charitable views of men and things cannot be acquired by vegetating in one little corner of the earth all one’s lifetime.” — Mark Twain

“Though we travel the world over to find the beautiful, we must carry it with us, or we find it not.” ― Ralph Waldo Emerson

Pillar #4: Meditate

This word comes loaded with preconceptions (and takes many forms) but all I mean by meditation is self-reflection, which I believe to be of the utmost importance. Take maybe 5-10 minutes to think about what you want and why. Do this regularly – research different methods: sit still, lay down, or go on long walks by yourself. Meditation is about exploring and accepting your faults, while addressing and praising your strengths. It is about understanding yourself and your goals.

Result:

Introspection and self-discovery will help you define a direction, a purpose. It will give you more confidence, more certainty, and more desire. It will reduce your anxiety and increase your gratitude. I don’t have any scientific backings for this one, other than my own personal experience, so take it how you will. But, it has been my observation that the most successful and inspiring people I know are whole; they are solid and sure. But wholesomeness is rarely born, it is built in the workshop of self-reflection.

“Knowing yourself is the beginning of all wisdom.” ― Aristotle

“Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate.” ― C.G. Jung

“But if these years have taught me anything it is this: you can never run away. Not ever. The only way out is in.” ― Junot Díaz, The Brief Wondrous Life of Oscar Wao

Pillar #5: Honesty

The truth will set you free. If you’re uncomfortable with the truth, then you are uncomfortable with who you are. That is why Honesty comes after Meditation. This will be difficult. You will still lie. But try to reduce the times you lie and the reasons you lie. When the truth affects only you – be honest. When the truth may affect others – you decide. The moral choice may be, not to lie, but to withhold information.

Result:

Confidence. Purity. Self-respect. Individuality.

“Honesty is the first chapter in the book of wisdom.” — Thomas Jefferson

“Be yourself; everyone else is already taken.” — Oscar Wilde

“I am not bound to win, but I am bound to be true. I am not bound to
succeed, but I am bound to live up to what light I have.” — Abraham Lincoln

“Never be afraid to raise your voice for honesty and truth and compassion against injustice and lying and greed. If people all over the world…would do this, it would change the earth.” — William Faulkner

Pillar #6: Mindfulness

This pillar is about recognizing and caring about other people. They are just as much a human as you are. Even though I sort of promised not to use platitudes, I have no choice… there is a reason this is called the Golden Rule: Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.

Result:

Notice! this is not about catering to others before yourself, this is not about charity, this is simply about metaphysical balance. The world will always seem tilted and warped until you recognize the plight in others inherent to the human condition. The world will always seem barren and dreary until you recognize the gratitude you owe countless souls for deeds both direct and invisible. Besides, being a grateful person — which means to perceive gratitude as a permanent trait rather than a temporary state of mind — has proven health benefits. And being compassionate or practicing compassion meditation has various health benefits, the most prominent being significant reduction in stress response. There’s even evidence suggesting mindfulness can improve thesuccess of your business. Imagine that – actually caring about your customers could help you? Crazy.

“Cultivate the habit of being grateful for every good thing that comes to you, and to give thanks continuously. And because all things have contributed to your advancement, you should include all things in your gratitude.”
— Ralph Waldo Emerson

“Gratitude unlocks the fullness of life. It turns what we have into enough, and more. It turns denial into acceptance, chaos to order, confusion to clarity. It can turn a meal into a feast, a house into a home, a stranger into a friend. Gratitude makes sense of our past, brings peace for today and creates a vision for tomorrow.” — Melody Beattie

“No man is an island, entire of itself; every man is a piece of the continent, a part of the main. If a clod be washed away by the sea, Europe is the less, as well as if a promontory were, as well as if a manor of thy friend’s or of thine own were: any man’s death diminishes me, because I am involved in mankind, and therefore never send to know for whom the bells tolls; it tolls for thee.” — John Donne

Pillar #7: Zen

Take a holistic view on things. Someone once said this to me: “You are not stuck in traffic. You aretraffic.” It just clicked; I was dumbstruck. How had I never thought of it like that before? What a liberating thought. How telling of my character. (Bonus Points: Watch the “This is Water” speech by David Foster Wallace to further understand what I mean by Zen).

Result:

Instead of feeling frustrated and angry in traffic you will feel peaceful if not apologetic. You will understand that this is a metaphor to be applied to everything. You will learn to live in the present more; you will smile more. You will learn to laugh at your mistakes because they are no longer such large mistakes. When you become a part of the larger world your problems become smaller. Of course you might argue that your successes do too… but you could always establish a duality that allows for problems to be small and successes large. You can also simply find comfort and joy and happiness in the magnanimity and beauty of the world at large.

I’ll never forget the day I was pacing outside the walls of the Greek Theatre in Berkeley trying to eavesdrop on the Dalai Lama’s speech commencing inside. A woman approached me to ask where the front gate was, she was very late. I imparted directions with an earnest, jealous smile; she took several hurried steps before turning around to offer me an extra ticket meant for her husband who couldn’t make it. Hearing the Dalai Lama’s speech changed my life. This is what resonated with me the most:

“People who use the words “I”, “my” and “mine” have a greater risk of a heart attack. My conclusion is a more self-centered attitude makes our minds become more narrow and then even a small, tiny problem becomes unbearable. There are thousands, millions of people facing similar problems. Don’t take oneself as the center of the world. Think of others, then your health will become better. That’s my medicine.” -Dalai Lama (Greek Theatre, Berkeley. 2009)

It just made perfect sense. Today, I remain a self-proclaimed, self-centered person, but let me explain:

“Everyone is self-centered it’s just the radius that differs” – Anonymous

So, yes, I am self-centered but in a constructive way – in a “How can I make myself a better human?” way – not a destructive, anxious way. My radius is such that I care not just about other people but the health of the entire globe. That is why, as a Bioengineer, my grander research goals align with global ecology: the health of Earth.

“A human being is a part of the whole, called by us “Universe”, a part limited in time and space. He experiences himself, his thoughts and feeling as something separated from the rest, a kind of optical delusion of his consciousness. This delusion is a kind of prison for us, restricting us to our personal desires and to affection for a few persons nearest to us. Our task must be to free ourselves from this prison by widening our circle of compassion to embrace all living creatures and the whole of nature in its beauty.”
— Albert Einstein

“If you are distressed by anything external, the pain is not due to the thing itself, but to your estimate of it; and this you have the power to revoke at any moment.”
― Marcus Aurelius, Meditations

Pillar #8: ENJOY

Whew! That was some heavy stuff. Way to make it through – you go, Glenn Coco! This is a good time to remind you not to panic – but to relax and enjoy. It’s important to remember that this is a journey. It won’t come all at once. So make sure you are having fun along the way, even if that means you have to slip from these “paths”. You will screw up along the way – you will go weeks without exercising, you will lie, you will sit on the couch and watch an entire series of House of Cards in a day, you will drink a little bit too much and feel like death all Sunday. Good. Persevere. Do not regularly delay happiness to secure the possibility of future happiness. Dammit – I’m telling you what not to do. Sorry! I’m a hypocrite. Do what you want!

Result:

Making mistakes will help you hone in on what is truly right. Be reckless and jubilant. Be adventurous and self-forgiving.

“Everything in moderation, including moderation.” — Oscar Wilde

“The purpose of life is to live it, to taste experience to the utmost, to reach out eagerly and without fear for newer and richer experience.” — Eleanor Roosevelt

“If the world were merely seductive, that would be easy. If it were merely challenging, that would be no problem. But I arise in the morning torn between a desire to improve the world and a desire to enjoy the world. This makes it hard to plan the day.”
— E.B. White

Pillar #9: Follow Your Passion. Create. 

We’ve come full circle. Mostly everything up until this point has been about acquiring: whether that be knowledge, experience, health, or perspective. However, something never sat well with me about consuming without giving back. I read a blog post awhile back that solidified the reason for this discomfort. Its core message was about the secret to happinesses being about creating, issuing as its mantra:

“The more you create, the more you deserve to consume.”

I take this not to really mean deserving - because that suggests some sort of external referee - but rather to say: the more you create the more comfortable you feel consuming. And what do we create? Things we are passionate about. However, most of us fear creating because we dread outsiders’ judgment of our creations. This can stifle not only physical creation, but even verbal creation: things as simple as participation in discussions. I’m not going to tell you, “Oh, why don’t you just stop caring about what other people think,” I’m going to tell you that that freedom will manifest as a result of addressing the other “pillars”. You will only be able to create if you believe you are truly and utterly free. Free from judgment – not because you won’t be judged but because you will no longer heed its power over you.

Following your passion is said so many times I almost dry heave at repeating the cliché… not because I don’t agree, but because most people say it as if it’s the easiest thing in the world. Saying, “Follow your passion!” assumes you’ve even found it in the first place – as if it’s just statically sitting out there waiting to be harpooned like a beached whale. For most, it’s not that easy. It will be fluid, even elusive. Therefore, you must expose yourself to as much as possible and constantly self-reflect before you can know what you decidedly want. But don’t forget to enjoy along the way :)

Result:

The infinite happiness of self-actualization.

“The problem, often not discovered until late in life, is that when you look for things in life like love, meaning, motivation, it implies they are sitting behind a tree or under a rock. The most successful people in life recognize, that in life they create their own love, they manufacture their own meaning, they generate their own motivation. For me, I am driven by two main philosophies, know more today about the world than I knew yesterday. And lessen the suffering of others. You’d be surprised how far that gets you. — Neil deGrasse Tyson

“Why do they always teach us that it’s easy and evil to do what we want and that we need discipline to restrain ourselves? It’s the hardest thing in the world–to do what we want. And it takes the greatest kind of courage. I mean, what we really want.” — Ayn Rand

“Don’t bend; don’t water it down; don’t try to make it logical; don’t edit your own soul according to the fashion. Rather, follow your most intense obsessions mercilessly.”
— Franz Kafka

This is my Bible, dear reader. Now you must make your own.

“Make your own Bible. Select and collect all the words and sentences that in all your readings have been to you like the blast of a trumpet.” ― Ralph Waldo Emerson

Because remember, I do not have your answers, and I do not pretend to. You must find your own way.

“You have your way. I have my way. As for the right way, the correct way, and the only way, it does not exist.” ― Friedrich Nietzsche